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May 18, 2011 / Lauren

I like the way you work it, CONE DIGGITY.

In my very first car, I kept two orange parking cones in the trunk at all times. Like this kind, except not a hat:

Welcome to Conetowne, USA. Population: me.

A very literal interpretation of junk in the trunk, my trusty pair of cones were always stowed in my car and ready to serve my social experiment and general mischief needs. I’m not sure what compelled me to purchase the cones in the first place, as cones are probably not something that un-athletic 18 year old girls obtain frequently, but I had so many wonderful ideas on how to use them! Party hats! Arm hiders! Pool toys! Bra stuffers! SHOES!

My first cone experiment took place during a high school honor band weekend at a resort on Grand Lake. I’m sure every Shangri-La employee who witnessed our rowdy arrival via school bus contemplated suicide for a moment. Free marketing tip for Shangri-La: consider removing the words ‘awesome signature hole’ from your website’s header, fools. It sends a questionable message.

Also, on this particular Shangri-La trip, I may or may not have broken my hotel room’s ironing board while ‘surfing.’ I am terrified that I still owe either Shangri-La or the Northeast Oklahoma Band Directors Association $24.95. However, when you get 150 high school students together at a resort, force them to play their instruments for 8 hours a day, and then give them nothing to do from 6-10p.m., you are kind of asking for bad behavior. I’m sure some kids (percussionists and flutes, I’m looking at you) snuck out to smoke cigarettes and drink Mike’s Hard Lemonade and touch each other’s butts, but my friends and I simply went ironing board surfing and played hide and seek. After these wholesome activities got old, I remembered the cones.

Lauren McKinney’s life lesson #4: REMEMBER THE CONES.

You see, because I am insane, I had packed the cones and brought them with me. In fact, I think I squished them down flat and stuffed them into my bass clarinet case, which makes me about 425% cooler than anyone you’ve ever known.

After I retrieved the cones from my room, I spotted the perfect area to place them- directly in front of an elevator door. A friend and I waited for the front desk person to leave, planted the cones, and retreated to an inconspicuous corner table to watch the subsequent reactions.

Reaction 1:

“Is it broken?”

“I guess so. There are cones here.”

“Let’s take the stairs.”

Reaction 2:

“Huh. There are cones here.”

“I’m taking the stairs; I do not want to die.”

Reaction 3:

(Man alone. Takes a couple steps up the stairs, then turns back, pushes the button, and takes the elevator. Total badass in my book.)

I logged at least 10-15 reactions in my notebook before moving the location of the cones a few more times. Eventually, one of the custodians was on to me, and I fled to my surfing area room to make hemp necklaces and listen to Third Eye Blind.

While this was a somewhat conical comical social experiment, I wanted to get even more mileage out of my cones. I wanted to use cone power to garner more influence in the future. Did I take my cones to college? HELL YES I TOOK MY CONES TO COLLEGE.

I spent my freshman year at a small Christian school. I kinda hated it, but this picture from my 19th birthday party sums up all that was excellent about ol’ JBU:

Someday, I'll tell you a great story about my Wal-Mart vest, seen here.

There wasn’t a ton of parking on campus, and one day it occurred to me that I could secure the very best parking spot in front of my dorm using the psychological power of cones. I watched the spot like a hawk until it became available. (I was lucky to have a window in my dorm room overlooking the very spot I wanted. I believe I staked it out for at least 48 hours, never taking breaks- not even to blink or use the restroom.) Once the previous occupant finally removed her vehicle, I bolted to my Saturn and placed her lovingly in the coveted spot. From then on, every time I went anywhere, I would simply back out, set up the cones, and exit the lot. Upon my return, I would get out, put the cones back in the trunk, and pull in. It worked like a charm.

People exhibit a mystical respect for cones. Harnessing the supernatural power of the cone can really help you get ahead in life.

There isn’t really a conclusion to this story. I basically wrote this whole thing in an effort to someday be on the first page of results when you Google ‘cones’.

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14 Comments

Leave a Comment
  1. Bonnie / May 19 2011 5:39 am

    please write a post about the parking permits you made.

    • Lauren / May 23 2011 4:13 pm

      I try to not blog about illegal things I have done. My boss reads this!

  2. Katie / May 19 2011 7:53 am

    You amaze me.

  3. Robin / May 19 2011 9:04 am

    now i know why you had cones in your room in high school. funny thing is that i never even wondered about it because they went so well with the hubcaps on the wall and the memory of my 7 year old daughter who subscribed to motor trend magazine……….

  4. Ashley / May 19 2011 10:58 am

    Oh man, this is a great post. It kind of makes me sad because I got a construction cone for my birthday once (some friends stole it and then everyone signed it) and I never put it to good use. It sat in my dorm room for a whole year and then I just ditched it. I had no idea what possibilities were available with that cone!

    Also, the Siloam Springs McDonald’s has the worst decor I have ever seen in a McDonald’s… and that’s saying something.

    • Lauren / May 23 2011 4:12 pm

      Have you ever been inside the combination video rental store/tanning salon in Siloam? Because it’s worse. And really I mean the one south of 412, because Siloam has TWO video tanning stores. TWO.

  5. Howard Howard / May 24 2011 7:46 am

    Two things:

    1. I am so glad this blog exists. A roughly translated implication of that statement is: “I’m so glad you exist.”

    2. I still think L9UREN when I think of you. Or L9URINE, which makes much less sense, considering the lack of “urine” in your name. Do you remember the silent 9? Homos.

  6. Bryan M. / May 28 2011 7:59 pm

    Haha Cone-way Twitty.

  7. Heef the Beef / Jun 6 2011 3:26 pm

    The ancestral beginnings of the infamous “Brain Cone” TM.

    • Lauren / Jun 6 2011 3:28 pm

      You are absolutely correct. However, I am saving the Brain Cone™/Keenamuzzle™ story for another day. In fact, I’m trying to rope Danae into writing it for me.

Trackbacks

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