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December 15, 2010 / Lauren

Duff nuts.

Edmond, Oklahoma.

It’s one heck of a town. It’s the quintessential American suburb- people live there for good public schools and low crime rates and the quick commute to the city. It’s also the kind of place where people get offended if someone says Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas, because everyone knows wishing someone well with a Happy Holidays! is a slippery slope leading the way straight to injecting heroin in between one’s toes and/or rampant Satanic human sacrifice.

In 1996, the Supreme Court ordered Edmond to remove the symbol of the cross from the city seal. Edmond complied, but citizens rallied and built a massive cross right on the highway, just to show Uncle Sam how the town really felt about the city seal controversy:

I don’t aim to mock this town. It’s really a great place. I spent three years living in there during college, and many of my fondest memories are set in Edmond, Oklahoma. I met some of my dearest friends in this place. I just need to give you some background on Edmond’s Christian-ness for this particular story.

In college, I worked at a little doughnut and coffee shop called Full Cup. (Full Cup spelled it doughnut instead of donut, which I think is the more correct way, but I always want to pronounce it duff-nut when it’s spelled doughnut.) It worked out well for me, because it was hard for me to get myself out of bed in the morning for class, but it was easy for me to get out of bed at 5am for work. (I guess I am extremely motivated by eight dollars an hour? Don’t tell my boss.) I could go to work, go to class, and be done with my scheduled day by 1 or 2 pm. Excellent.

Full Cup was run by a very kindly elderly fellow named Jimmy* who was loved by everyone in town. My only major beef with Jimmy is that he made us listen to only CCM at work, and while I worked for him, I heard enough Point of Grace and Chris Tomlin to make me want to drink bleach. (I have another story about Jimmy wherein he mistakes boxer shorts for basketball shorts, and proudly comes to work in his “workout clothes”. I am still recovering from the grievous things I saw that day.)

Anyway, Jimmy loved holidays. For Valentine’s Day, we sold heart shaped glazed doughnuts in plain and chocolate. For St. Patricks Day, we had shamrock doughnuts. Then came Easter. Jimmy found out our competitors were going to sell Easter egg shaped doughnuts, and found this to be blasphemous. “We will make cross shaped doughnuts!” Jimmy declared. To me, this seemed more sacridelicious sacrilegious, what with turning the cross on which our savior suffered and died into a sugary, fried treat covered with sprinkles, but whatev. Jimmy was the boss.

I went into work on Good Friday and was shocked to find dozens of trays of doughnuts shaped like male genitalia. Here’s how it happened**:

My cheeks were burning red for the first half of my shaft shift. Customers snickered. I was serving NSFW doughnuts at work. However, after I got over my initial embarrassment, I did enjoy yelling “I need two dozen chocolate glazed peni!” to the back room.

And now you know the storied and curious history of the relationship between the town of Edmond and the symbol of the cross.

Lauren McKinney life lesson #2: Make sure your baked goods aren’t inadvertently R-rated.

*Name has been changed. His real name is Joe.

**Yes, I spent approximately 18 minutes in Adobe Illustrator drawing penis doughnuts. Do not judge me. Also, you’re welcome.

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9 Comments

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  1. K Bone 17 / Dec 15 2010 9:03 pm

    There are no words. I think I just cappuccino’ed in my pants.

  2. stumbleana / Dec 15 2010 9:27 pm

    In Oklahoma, deep fried Jesus sack is less offensive than deep fried rabbit eggs.

  3. Ashley / Dec 16 2010 11:00 am

    Oh good Lord. Lauren, I am laughing out loud at my desk right now.

    That cross has a lot of meaning for me, it’s on the same grounds as my highschool. It was also the backdrop for a news story about one of my teachers who was a sexual predator.

    But anyway, duff nuts. Amazing, story.

    • K Bone 17 / Dec 16 2010 4:06 pm

      Which Ashley might this be? As an OCS alumni, I have to ask…

    • Lauren / Dec 16 2010 4:12 pm

      I am very proud that I have streaked across the OCS football field. So, in a way, I am kind of a sexual predator at OCS, too. Kind of.

  4. Lindsey Rae Robinson / Dec 16 2010 12:22 pm

    I will never forget the days of working at Full Cup with you! You never knew what 5 am would hold…Joey Joe boxers not briefs, cinna-man, lil piggies in a delicious blanket, and bringing out trays of glazed penises from the back room. O sweet sweet memories…

  5. Heather Fowler / Dec 17 2010 4:27 am

    Lauren,

    Wow. Words cannot describe how this story has made my 2010 Christmas even more magical. There is nothing sweeter than duff nuts, except this hilarious memory. If anybody ever denies you the authenticity of duff nuts, well I am living and walking proof. I saw those duff nuts with my own two eyes. Even worse, I am pretty sure I ate one. On a side note, I should let you know that even though Joe no longer owns the Full Cup, we are still touching childrens lives every day as the childrens table remains in tact and in the same spot it has always been. Every kid that sits at the childrens sized table designed and painted by noneother than you and me, has a seat to sit in and a table to eat on. We should start a miracle network that exists of tables and chairs that are child-sized. They have rights too. Tomorrow I believe I will make a visit to Full Cup.

  6. SpiritWeek / Dec 20 2010 5:27 pm

    Nice!! And I thought my high school smoothie making job was rough… luckily no one made me sell any phallic symbols while I was there! Too funny!

  7. Danielle LeGrange / Jan 4 2011 8:46 pm

    Amazing. I miss the FC / Olivia Newton John / Kickingbird days a lot. I really want to eat one of these now.

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